The Five Nap Commandments

1. Thou shalt not anticipate The Nap.

The Nap is not guaranteed. For if thou shalt stay up too late the night before and sayeth to thyself, “No need to worry, I will catch up on sleep during naptime,” thou shalt be sorely disappointed.

2. Thou shalt not taketh The Nap for granted.

For even so far as thou hath been granted a year of hour-to-two-hour naps, there shalt come a day (or two or five or twenty in an effing row) when The Nap shall not grace thee with its presence. Thou wilt cry out in agony, “Nap, why hast thou forsaken me?” But The Nap will not heed thy cries. Thou hast been warned.

3. Thou shalt have no other activities above The Nap.

If thy blog and thy Twitter, they call to thee, thou shalt say to them, “No, beasts, thou will not tempt me. I am getting some freaking sleep today.” For even though thou thinkest to thyself that there is yet time for one more DM, thou shalt find that time flyeth on swift wings, and The Nap has come and gone.

4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Nap.

Yea, as the mom next door hath left the playground early for naptime, thou shalt be happy for her even as the fruit of thy loins continues to climb the slide backwards for the thirty-seventh time while showing no signs of slowing down.

5. Thou shalt not brag about The Nap.

If thou posteth about The Nap on The Twitter or The Facebook with the slightest amount of smugness, The Nap wilt surely skip over thy house to punish thee for thy transgression.

Thou shalt honor these commandments and keep them, all the days of thy stay-at-home career, in the hopes that preschool will one day come. Amen.

109 thoughts on “The Five Nap Commandments

  1. I would also add – never tweeteth or facebooketh about how LONG the nap is or how you’re “totally free right now” because your kid is sleeping. Because they will wake up-eth. πŸ™‚

  2. This is so true- hits so close to home. I never realized how important naps were until they were gone. My 4th kiddo was a horrible sleeper/ napper in her first year of life. Finally, we are getting the smallest glimmer of a break. But nap time is so stressful bc we tiptoe around the house on eggshells and begin to resent our neighbors who are simply boisterously enjoying their summer afternoons and inadvertently waking the baby. It is so good to know we are not alone in the world;-)

  3. Why oh WHY didn’t you write this when my kids were still napping?! I would have made it into wall paper and paper every room in the house with it. Moses has nothing on you! (-: Loved this

  4. Absolutely amazing post! i actually wrote a post not that long ago myself about Dad’s not being allowed naps! coming to think about it i want more naps!! lol..

    Keep up the good work, now following you! πŸ™‚

  5. All four of my kids gave up napping reliably at around 2 years old. So disappointing 😦 My 2.5 year old started preschool this summer. You are so right!

  6. This is so funny! I’m giggling! I remember those days of being at the park while the other moms were going home to feed and put their kids to bed. The good news is, now that my kids are bigger, I nap every damn day! Only I don’t tweet about it smugly…that’ would be tempting fate.

  7. Love it! My son didn’t sleep more than two hours in a row for the first year of his life. I have committed the sin of coveting my neighbour’s naps, and I feel shame πŸ˜‰ Great post! I am absolutely sharing this one!

  8. I once almost killed a door-to-door salesman who woke me and my four children (at the time all under the age of three) up from naps. He was BEATING on the door and said he didn’t see the sign. I think he could see the look in my eye because he started backing away the second I opened the door. I have no clue what he was even selling!

  9. OMG. Hilarious. LOVE. IT. Any chance you want to squeeeeeeze a little more exposure out of this one?? I’d love to have you as a guest contributor on my site w/this post. Our main topic is sleep-deprivation (oh, and drinking wine) so it would be a perfect fit! Lmk!
    Steph from

  10. That is hilarious! And The Nap has punished me, I still don’t know why. My daughter napped until she was 5, several hours a day and my son quit doing so when he was 8 months old….

    1. I think if they’re old enough to entertain themselves and feed themselves, they don’t have to nap. But dang it, if you’re still completely dependent on me, there needs to be a midday break, ya hear?!

    1. Thanks, Alison. I miss writing, and try to do it here and there. But I always feel like a heel because I don’t have the time to be a part of the community like I used to..

      Because sadly, the naps are dwindling down to nothing. 😦

  11. This is absolutely brillant and so spot on, especially #1. As soon as I anticipate the nap, it’s nowhere to be found. Le sigh. I know that my son is one of the rare 5 year olds who regularly naps but I will be so sad when the day he drops his naps arrives. It’s starting to show its face. As soon as he does, no doubt his younger brother will be done too. Thank you for sharing this!

  12. Wow! Simple! Short! Effective! Like a nap.
    Clearly this is just good. There is no glitz, glamour, or fanfare… This is like the perfect game, honest and pure.


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