1. Thou shalt not anticipate The Nap.
The Nap is not guaranteed. For if thou shalt stay up too late the night before and sayeth to thyself, “No need to worry, I will catch up on sleep during naptime,” thou shalt be sorely disappointed.
2. Thou shalt not taketh The Nap for granted.
For even so far as thou hath been granted a year of hour-to-two-hour naps, there shalt come a day (or two or five or twenty in an effing row) when The Nap shall not grace thee with its presence. Thou wilt cry out in agony, “Nap, why hast thou forsaken me?” But The Nap will not heed thy cries. Thou hast been warned.
3. Thou shalt have no other activities above The Nap.
If thy blog and thy Twitter, they call to thee, thou shalt say to them, “No, beasts, thou will not tempt me. I am getting some freaking sleep today.” For even though thou thinkest to thyself that there is yet time for one more DM, thou shalt find that time flyeth on swift wings, and The Nap has come and gone.
4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Nap.
Yea, as the mom next door hath left the playground early for naptime, thou shalt be happy for her even as the fruit of thy loins continues to climb the slide backwards for the thirty-seventh time while showing no signs of slowing down.
5. Thou shalt not brag about The Nap.
If thou posteth about The Nap on The Twitter or The Facebook with the slightest amount of smugness, The Nap wilt surely skip over thy house to punish thee for thy transgression.
Thou shalt honor these commandments and keep them, all the days of thy stay-at-home career, in the hopes that preschool will one day come. Amen.
109 thoughts on “The Five Nap Commandments”
You. Nailed. This. That is all.
It’s amazing the wisdom that comes through bleary eyes and sleep deprivation.
I laughed so much because it is oh so true!
Sadly, yes. 😉
Has monkey not been napping?
Not so great lately!
Hahaha!! This cracks me up. Only one of my children still takes a nap, but I remember the good old days 😉
I am so sad that they are called the good old days at some point. 😉
This? Is my life! Hahah
I’m sorry. But we’re in this together.
HAHAHAHAAH!! Greatest post so far today. I love commandment three! So true, no activities but SLEEP!!
I always kick myself when he wakes up and I realize I never made it to the pillow.
Oh this is funny! I can’t remember the last time I napped – because I always spend the time blogging!
I know! We’re addicted.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! love it!! 🙂
I’m glad you enjoyed my punishment!
So horrifyingly true. About twitter, about the park, about the expectations. Oy! Thank god for preschool!
I have heard about this wonderful place. One day…
You are too funny!
Etching in stone as we speak….
Haha, now you made ME laugh!
AMEN! Sooooo true and well said!
Ha! Can I get a hallelujah with that amen?!
Oh. My. Gah. This is the funniest post of the day. Not often I lol (I mean really laughing out loud) but I did here. So, so true.
I am smiling at the thought!
Thou art nutso.
Why dost thou remark upon my mental status and yet overlook the truth that lies within these powerful words?
I would also add – never tweeteth or facebooketh about how LONG the nap is or how you’re “totally free right now” because your kid is sleeping. Because they will wake up-eth. 🙂
LOL @ “wake up-eth.” *Snort*
You don’t even need to FB it, if you mention it while standing in the kitchen, they’ll wake up.
I do not know what you speak of. Nap? What is that? 😉
It’s a mythical creature!
HAHAHA!! Thou art so funny!! I loveth it. And it is very trueth what you sayeth.
Trueth? Haha! That’s my next favorite ‘eth word.
Oh I LOVE THIS!! And I totally feel your pain. Buggy hasn’t napped by 20 minutes for the last serveral days and I’m about to pull out my hair-eth!!!
We are in this together mama! Solidarity against nap oppression.
OMG, freaking hysterical. And frighteningly accurate.
Terrifying, isn’t it?!
Amen, amen, amen!! #3 gets me every time. Every.single.time.
I think on overcast days, he naps longer, so I will skip #3 on sunny days and just enjoy twitter, since it won’t be a long nap!
Blackout curtains. Just sayin’.
This is all so true! If I even *think* that boy has been taking solid naps for a week then guess what happens…no naps! Love this post!
No lie…I was in the shower thinking, “wow, that boy has been asleep an hour,” and he woke up that second. WTH?
All true! What great commandments to live by. Never jinx thy nap!
For The Nap is fickle and will effing CUT YOU.
Complete awesomesauce. That is all.
Better than assy. That’s no good.
This is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I have tears.
Art though crying because The Nap hath also forsaken thee? Girl, I feel yo’ pain.
Thou shalt resist the temptation to throttle the mom who posts on Facebook about the three hour nap her offspring regularly takes while you pray for yours to stretch his nap to a full 30 minutes.
Thy FB friend is indeed a hag.
“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Nap” (giggle)
My Favorite! 🙂
Unless thy neighbor braggeth. Then see #5.
This is classic-ly awesome! Funny, true, and really well-written. You nailed the language and cadence of the Bible (from what I can remember!)
I did feel rather divinely inspired. 😉
BAHAHAHAHA! This needs to take off and rule the twitterverse & facebook, so I’m stumbling it. Love.
Hilarious! I will read this again and again 🙂
Commit it to memory, lest ye forget and break a commandment. 😉
This is the most hilarious thing EVER! I love it!
It was born of my own pain and tears. Keep laughing.
I kid, I kid. 🙂
Brilliant! Oh my gosh…so funny 😀 Genius.
Well thanks. Could you scoot over? I need more room for my expanding ego. 😉
Yes, yes, and yes. All of the above. Amen. The end. 🙂
Oooh, an amen from the Reverend’s wife! I must be on to something. 😉
This is so true- hits so close to home. I never realized how important naps were until they were gone. My 4th kiddo was a horrible sleeper/ napper in her first year of life. Finally, we are getting the smallest glimmer of a break. But nap time is so stressful bc we tiptoe around the house on eggshells and begin to resent our neighbors who are simply boisterously enjoying their summer afternoons and inadvertently waking the baby. It is so good to know we are not alone in the world;-)
I could strangle every dude with a motorcycle right about now. 🙂
I remember the days of praying for Mini-Me’s nap time to come quickly. Now, I pray for my OWN nap time.
You get your own? So. Jealous.
Why oh WHY didn’t you write this when my kids were still napping?! I would have made it into wall paper and paper every room in the house with it. Moses has nothing on you! (-: Loved this
It’s right up there with the Serenity prayer on the “Things to tape to your mirror” list! 😉
I hate it when we as a couple try to nap and the only one that falls asleep is him. Very cute and so true!
So frustrating, right?!
This is the bestest thing I read all week.
Why thank you!
Absolutely amazing post! i actually wrote a post not that long ago myself about Dad’s not being allowed naps! coming to think about it i want more naps!! lol..
Keep up the good work, now following you! 🙂
Good to have you, Ben. I don’t know, my husband gets LOTS of naps!
Love it. I’m guilty of breaking all 5 commandments. Nap times = epic fail in my house!
Commit these to memory and thou shalt sleep again! 😉
All four of my kids gave up napping reliably at around 2 years old. So disappointing 😦 My 2.5 year old started preschool this summer. You are so right!
So you had six months of no napping and no preschool? That’s horrible. 😦
I literally just printed this out for my fridge.
Best post ever!
Haha, that’s awesome.
This is so funny! I’m giggling! I remember those days of being at the park while the other moms were going home to feed and put their kids to bed. The good news is, now that my kids are bigger, I nap every damn day! Only I don’t tweet about it smugly…that’ would be tempting fate.
I detect some smugness there. There was definitely a smug.
These are so very awesome! I don’t even know which one is my favorite…the list just kept getting better and better.
Sleep deprivation does wonders for my writing ability. 😉
Bravo I say! (As I blog and tweet during nap #2.)
I violate that commandment all the time. My penance is spending $$ on eye cream. 😦
Love it! My son didn’t sleep more than two hours in a row for the first year of his life. I have committed the sin of coveting my neighbour’s naps, and I feel shame 😉 Great post! I am absolutely sharing this one!
Two hours?! You win an award for surviving that. Thanks for sharing!
I once almost killed a door-to-door salesman who woke me and my four children (at the time all under the age of three) up from naps. He was BEATING on the door and said he didn’t see the sign. I think he could see the look in my eye because he started backing away the second I opened the door. I have no clue what he was even selling!
I’d say that I feel your pain, but four under three? So, there were entire years that you didn’t sleep, huh?
This is sheer brilliance.
Thank you. I wrote it while sleep deprived. One day, I’ll thank my kid. One day. Not today. Not yesterday either.
OMG. Hilarious. LOVE. IT. Any chance you want to squeeeeeeze a little more exposure out of this one?? I’d love to have you as a guest contributor on my site w/this post. Our main topic is sleep-deprivation (oh, and drinking wine) so it would be a perfect fit! Lmk!
Steph from http://www.southernMOMentum.com
I do appreciate you featuring it!
That is hilarious! And The Nap has punished me, I still don’t know why. My daughter napped until she was 5, several hours a day and my son quit doing so when he was 8 months old….
Eight months? Oh no. I will not have that crap, I will NOT HAVE IT.
Oh, the nap….Now, I can barely get my teenager out of bed. Why, oh why, can there not be a happy medium somewhere???
I think if they’re old enough to entertain themselves and feed themselves, they don’t have to nap. But dang it, if you’re still completely dependent on me, there needs to be a midday break, ya hear?!
Love this, love this, love this.
I miss you Julie. You and your beautiful writing.
So, how are the naps treating ya?
Thanks, Alison. I miss writing, and try to do it here and there. But I always feel like a heel because I don’t have the time to be a part of the community like I used to..
Because sadly, the naps are dwindling down to nothing. 😦
This is absolutely brillant and so spot on, especially #1. As soon as I anticipate the nap, it’s nowhere to be found. Le sigh. I know that my son is one of the rare 5 year olds who regularly naps but I will be so sad when the day he drops his naps arrives. It’s starting to show its face. As soon as he does, no doubt his younger brother will be done too. Thank you for sharing this!
I LOVE a nap!! I think adults should have built in nap time just like they do in Kindergarten 🙂
Who could forget this awesome post? I love it!
Wow! Simple! Short! Effective! Like a nap.
Clearly this is just good. There is no glitz, glamour, or fanfare… This is like the perfect game, honest and pure.