I wrote this post a couple of days ago dedicated to my husband and all the things I love about him for What I Love About Him over at Multitasking Mumma’s.
In that post, I included this picture.
It seems as though you aren’t going to let me get away with just showing you the aftermath, and have also demanded asked that I explain myself.
So I will, but no judgment, ok?
Last March, when I was pregnant and admittedly hormonal, I stood at the back door and watched my husband tending to our dogs.
Two of the dogs were playing with a toy, and decided they no longer wanted to share, so they snarked at each other.
My husband got in the middle of them, but they were being total assholes that day and didn’t want to let it go, so they continued to bicker around him.
Now, a few months earlier, we had gotten burglarized and I had insisted on the purchase of two kick bars that we could use to block the doors from being opened. Eventually, my fear of getting robbed again was overtaken by my laziness in setting the bars in place, so they’d taken up residence on the floor next to the kitchen wall.
Worried that my husband was going to get bitten by these rotten dogs growling “Come at me, bro,” while they darted in and around his legs, locked in a bitchy slap fight over a freaking $2 piece of rubber, I picked up a metal bar and headed outside.
I fully intended to poke at the moronic mongrels until they came to their senses, but I didn’t need to, as my husband had collared them both and was griping at them as they sat shamefacedly before him.
As he lectured them about how they’d embarrassed and disappointed him, I began to get bored. (In my defense, he’s rather long winded when he’s delivering an ass chewing, and it tends to become tedious.)
So, I began to swing the pole around like a ninja with a…oh hell, what are those things called?
Yeah, so anyway, I’m a ninja with a pole, and I’m swinging it around super skillfully. I turn around in an awesome move, surprisingly agile what with my big belly, and I feel the pole connect with something.
Something taller than me.
“Oh shit,” I remember thinking. “I’ve knocked out his teeth. He’s going to kill me.”
Terrified, I whirl around to see what I hit.
My husband is standing there and his face is missing, completely obscured by a fast-flowing red waterfall.
I began to freak out while he’s just standing there quietly wondering why his hands are all bloody, and drag him inside to put a wet towel on his face so we can investigate the source of the, um, leak.
I was picturing hours of painful dental work, thinking that I may have earned myself a place out back in the doghouse next to our pissy pups, so I was kind of relieved to see that I’d only cut his eyebrow.
Only, as in it was hanging over his eye.
The circular edge of the metal pole had left a crescent moon cut that created a fallen flap of skin, revealing some pretty gross stuff up in there. (On the plus side, at least I know my husband is not an android. So there’s that.)
I tried to push the skin back up, but it was obvious he was going to need stitches. Which is awesome, since he hates needles.
Anyway, I put him in the car and we head over to the ER, which is five minutes down the road, and embarrassingly enough, a place we tend to frequent.
We walk in, tell them about his injury, and they call him back. But they won’t let me go with him.
I’m confused at this point. I always go back with him. That time with the chest pains? I went back. That time he slipped and fell and hit his head on the concrete beside the house? I went back.
Why wouldn’t they let me go back?
My question was answered about five minutes later when my husband stepped back out into the lobby to get me.
He confessed that as the nurses were taking his vitals, they had questioned him about the injury.
“Did she hit you?” they asked.
“Yes,” he said. “But it was an accident.”
“Do you have these ‘accidents’ often?” they inquired.
You can imagine how mortified I was at this point. Ok, yes, I’d broken a few plates during this pregnancy, and ok, so the crack in the bathroom door was from where I kicked it, but c’mon, people! I’ve never hit my husband on purpose!
In a thankfully anticlimactic finish, we go on back and eventually they get him all stitched up (notice how I’m skipping the part about how he acted like a toddler getting immunizations here, that’s cause I’m a good wife) and send us home.
The funniest part of all of this, at least for me, was after I told my students what had happened, two of them got together and drew this for me as part of an assignment.
There were no funny parts for him. For the next few weeks, he got to sport a stylish black eye with his stitches.
Best Easter picture EVER.
See? You can’t even see the scar unless you’re really close.
Not that close. Back up off my husband. I have a pole…
Mamamash 
I love that your students gave you that drawing! I hope your ninja pole dancing…at least this type of ninja pole dancing…is over. At least when in the vicinity of your husband’s head.
I just need to be sure to make a few quick calculations next time. A^2 + B^2 = C^2 can save a life.
HA! “His face is missing”! Don’t tell him I laughed at that, but really….Funny.Stuff. You have a way with words, Julie.
And also, that math problem with the diagram is the Best.Thing.Ever.
This is something that were it to happen to me, I would NEVER live it down. EVER. So, I’m glad it happened to you instead. (See how I said it “happened” instead of “you did it”?)
Yeah, I got teased forever for that. Anytime I would ask someone for a favor, they’d be all, “I’d better do it, you have a pole.”
That drawing is awesomesauce!!!
My husband had almost the same looking stitches in almost the same place a year ago when we were on vacation in New Zealand. Thankfully I was nowhere near him when it happened though we did discuss telling people I whipped him with a belt by accident. Just for fun, because that’s how we roll, yo.
(in truth he went hunting for goats and it was recoil from the rifle he was using. Or something like that)
Why on earth would you hunt a goat? That’s just ba-a-a-a-a-a-d.
I haven’t laughed this hard in ages!! Thanks so much for making my day!
That’s why I’m here. Completely mortifying myself for your entertainment. 😉
Oh my word, I would have been mortified at the hospital too! Your poor hubs! Poor you. Although I gotta admit that is one clever drawing from your students.
I loved those kiddos! They’re seniors this year, little brats.
I so, so wish that there was a video of this ninja pole dancing. You could sell it as an exercise video!!
Hm. Maybe I need to recreate it for a vlog.
GREAT STORY!!! Sorry for your husband’s pain, but I love imagining Pregnant Mamamash heading into the yard with a metal pole to reason with a couple of Pitties. Brilliant! Glad the damage wasn’t worse.
It’s one for the grandkids, for sure.
i am very sorry that i just peed in my pants laughing about this. Clearly, I am a horrible person to laugh about a bodily injury. Also, I may be apolgizing because I am now very scared of you and I don’t want to tick you off.
I will cut you, bitch. You and your gang.
This has got to be the best pregnancy/hormonal/accidentally-hitting-my-husband-with-an-object story EVER!! Beats my throwing a syrup filled blueberry pancake at my husbands head because he pissed me off while pregnant story! LOL!!!
We always end up throwing stuff, don’t we?
OUCH! Thanks for explaining what happened. I might have thought funny thoughts of how it happened if you didn’t.
I thought about making up a story about defending him from pirates, but that seemed too far fetched. This is much more believable.
wow nice Ninja moves! I will remember not to piss off a pregnant lady. oh wait I was twice pregnant. How about DONT stand be hind one with cool Ninja moves and is whipping a metal pole around.. What was he thinking standing behind you any ways?….dah you were making cool Ninja moves.. Stay away far away!
Cute story!
XOXO,
Shirley
It’s best to just give me a 10-foot berth at all times. I’m a train wreck.
Best part? That drawing! That’s awesome!
I would have been mortified at the hospital too. Add pregnancy hormones and I would have not been a pleasant person!
I was awful during my pregnancy. So much so that I don’t know if he’ll survive another one!
That drawing and math problem is awesome! It’s good to have a sense of humor about these kinds of things. Oh, and I’m so glad your husband isn’t an android. I still wonder about mine…
Mine’s too airheaded to be an android, really. If you’re not sure, just whack him in the face.
LMAO! I thought you were gonna say you hit him while trying to break up the dogs. This is way better.
I can’t do anything normal, can I?
Too funny! I love that your students made the incident into an assignment!
I had some awesome kids that year. I had some little shits as well.
Oh dear. Big time dear. You are one saucy mama, aren’t you? I have to admit, I can be a little unpredictable during pregnancy, but that’s out of lunacy, not ninja playing. The funniest part about this whole thing is the hospital staff questioning your husband about whether or not you’re a husband beater. Given the number of times the two of you’d been there, I can see their point! Great ending, by the way 🙂
Oh, the dirty looks I got when I brought him in. Again.
Um, I didnt mean what I said about loving your husband cuz he was so cute in you last post. I meant that comment in a strictly platonic, gee-isn’t-he-cute-in-a-platonic-way way.
Seriously…
Remind me to stay far, far away from you when you are holding a pole. That picture from your students is just awesome.
You are VIOLENT. Poor Paul. I hope he makes you feel guilty at least four times a week. 🙂
I can’t believe they thought you beat him often. Hahahahaha. 🙂