In the Kitchen: Salmon(ella) Quiche

I meant to post this yesterday as an April Fools’ joke, but instead we were incredibly lazy and napped, sat around with the boy and then watched the entire season 7 of Weeds after he went to bed.

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A few weeks ago, I had a hankering for some quiche. I’d eaten some with brie and asparagus awhile back and it was positively dreamy, so I figured I’d make my own and publish a long-overdue recipe post.

It turned out to be the beginnings of a nightmare.

Here it is, beautifully turned out. It tasted heavenly – cheesy and bacony and spinachy.

I ate two huge pieces, but hubs and the boy aren’t fans and barely touched theirs. Eh, more for me the next day for lunch, right?

But around five the next morning, when I woke up to bottle feed a litter of puppies I was helping to rescue, I got so dizzy I had to wake my husband. My head was pounding and I just felt…wrong.

I went back to bed for a few hours but when I awoke the room was spinning, my head still hurt and it felt like The 2012 Weasel Olympics were being held in my guts.

Throughout the day, my symptoms worsened. I took up residence in the bathroom.

Over the next five days, my fever would spike up to 103.2. I had violent chills but my husband, on orders from my grandmother who he’d called for advice, wouldn’t give me a blanket.

So I huddled under a sheet, basically vibrating from the chills. I began to hallucinate. I asked my husband for broccoli. I was pretty sure I was going to die myself dead.

I remained convinced through most of those lost days that I’d been the lucky host of a virus – a virus that was surely the biggest asshole ever because didn’t he understand I was a mom and moms can’t get sick and I had STUFF TO DO?!

Finally, that Saturday my husband ordered me to see a doctor, who diagnosed me with, you guessed it, food poisoning. He gave me drugs (blessed drugs) to kill the bacteria holding their Inaugural Intestinal Jamboree in my belly and, within three hours, I began to feel human again.

Hubs and the boy got sick as well, but were both somewhat resistant to the bacteria and barely felt the effects.

As a result of this illness, which we tentatively traced back to the eggs in the quiche, I can no longer live dangerously.

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As someone who bakes regularly, I can tell you that not licking the bowl or spooning out a quick bite of cookie dough is torture. I almost took a bite of cake batter a couple of days ago and then froze, throwing the spoon into the sink as if it contained arsenic.

So here it is – Mamamash’s Salmonella Quiche – perfect for those occasions when you’d really like to lose 10 pounds in the most painful way possible.***

Quiche a la’ Bacteria

1 premade pie crust
6 eggs
¾ cup milk
1 small onion, chopped
1 10-oz package frozen spinach, thawed and drained
4 pieces cooked bacon, crumbled
1 cup shredded cheese of your choice

Place the crust in a pie pan and crimp the edges.

Crumble in onion, spinach, bacon and cheese.

Beat eggs with milk, salt and pepper and pour over the mixture in the crust.

Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes to an hour, until eggs are set.

***Please never make this. Ever.

Also! Back when I started blogging, I met a crew of people through the community at Yeah Write, which was at the time called Lovelinks. Headed up by the Princess of Picky Prose, Erica M, the community proved to be a great place to meet other bloggers of all backgrounds and genres. For old time’s sake and to help Yeah Write meet its new goal of a full slate of 75 weekly entries, I’m linking up this week. C’mon, you do it too.

53 thoughts on “In the Kitchen: Salmon(ella) Quiche

  1. It looks really yummy though…and you’re making me question my decision to eat all the remaining batter from the bowl of blueberry muffin batter this morning.

    But a really important question for you – how was season 7 of Weeds? I quit watching that season.

  2. Sheesh. I make quiche quite a bit around here and now I’m terrified to try it again. I cannot believe you were sick for 5 whole days. That is insane.

  3. i have been eating raw cookie dough by the tube and licking the bowl clean for years and never gotten sick from it. i’ve had food poisoning on more that one occasion and it is HELL!

  4. Oh poor you! You poor thing!
    But…I’m dying here laughing! I love it – salmonella quiche!! Hope you are feeling better?

    1. Quiche is now one of those words like “moist” that instantly makes me want to regurgitate.

      Maybe one day it will be downgraded to something slightly less gross like “polyp.”

  5. I am laughing with you not AT you. Thank you for finding the funny in your pain. Glad you are on the mend. Erin

  6. oy, so, so sorry. you made me laugh out loud, though (totally not AT your illness, of course), with “die myself dead.” because oh lord do i know how THAT feels. glad you survived and impressed you haven’t given up eggs yet!

  7. Despite my cake batter and raw cookie dough eating, I have yet to get food poisoning (*knocks on wood*). I, however, will probably still live on the wild side…at least until I have kids to take care of.

  8. Holy crap, girl!! That’s horrible!!! And oh my, I always eat the batter…ALWAYS…maybe I’ll think twice about it next time.
    Glad you’re feeling better now, and I don’t think this is a recipe I’m going to try 😉

  9. ” I was pretty sure I was going to die myself dead.” WARN me before you’re so funny, and I won’t spit soda all over my monitor.

  10. This was hysterical. I loved this post – you have such a way with words. And seriously, I would vote for this post based on you watching a season of Weeds in one night. That, as well as this post, is awesome.

    1. Well thanks! Honestly though, the episodes were only 26 minutes long. So, uh, six and half hours or so? Which is like three regular movies or two Steven Spielbergs.

      A very productive way to spend an evening, right?!

  11. So I just went through a huge pregnancy scare because i was having tummy aches every morning and throughout the day. I think the culprit was the fact that I relentlessly tasted the batter when I was making my kids’ cupcakes for their preschool party and their actual birthdy party. Oops!

    1. “Tasted?” Or “drank like it was orange juice?” Hehehee. I’m sorry about the belly aches! Pregnancy scares can make entire days disappear while you’re in your head with the “am I? Am I? AM I?!!!”

    1. Yes SIX. 😛 I cannot imagine food poisoning during pregnancy. Cannot even fathom it. BTW, are you done yet? Geez. You’ve been pregnant forever. (I got that out of my Top Ten Things Never to Say to Pregnant Women book.)

  12. Sh*t, I ate quiche today! Food poisoning is the worst feeling in the world.
    I have never really given much thought to what’s inside a quiche…I’m feeling dizzy..

  13. Ok, so I’m so sorry if I comment twice. I got sent to all sorts of places when I left the last comment. Let’s try this again…

    I let my son eat raw cake batter. I know. I’m a terrible mother. Your ordeal sounds horrific, and I’m glad you’re better. Somehow, I still want some of this quiche. :0)

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