*This post was originally published as my very first ever guest post over at Multitasking Mumma. With permission from the gloriously wonderful Leighann I’m reposting in case you missed it, because I care about you and want to save you from making the same mistake I did years ago.
There are many drawers in my house. They hold my clothes, my silverware, my antacids and toothpaste. I even have a drawer for things that don’t belong anywhere and are lumped in together with all the other household misfits – tea candles, spare keys, miniature screwdrivers.
But then there’s The Drawer. The one next to my bed. The one that holds several objects that require batteries, objects with pearls and rabbit ears. There might be something fluffy that has its own tiny key that must not, under any circumstances, become lost. It’s possible there may be several tiny bottles and tubes of slippery, flavored goo as well.
Perhaps you have a Drawer too, though I’ve heard recently that there are many out there who do not. I’m not sure what these people are using the internet for, but I think they’ve missed some important websites that offer free shipping and inconspicuous brown-paper packaging.
If you’re one of those people, tuck this away for later. It’s important. You’ll need it for when, if ever, you do have a Drawer.
Anyway, for those of us who do, indeed, have a Drawer, listen up. You need a friend who knows about The Drawer. A friend who has a key to your house. It should be someone you trust, someone loyal and discreet.
A friend who can sneak into your house in the event of your untimely demise and empty The Drawer, disposing of its contents in a manner that will prevent your granny from whispering “Since when did they start making such tiny back massagers?” during your eulogy.
A friend who will be over in an instant if your home catches fire or strong winds blow a tree onto your roof to remind you to empty The Drawer before an insurance adjustor arrives to catalogue your damaged property.
(Though in rare cases, you may want to claim your lost goods. Some of them can be expensive!)
“No,” you’re thinking. “That sort of thing only happens in the movies!”
Oh, but heed my warnings, and let this story serve as a terrifying example of what can happen if The Drawer is not protected.
Three years ago, a hurricane blew through my town, sending 10 feet of sludgy water into my house. Everything was ruined.
After two days of sorting through my stuff, I was spent. I gave most everything up as lost and left my dad with instructions to haul it all to the street for FEMA to pick up.
But you guys, I had forgotten about The Drawer. I had just gotten married months before, and it was fully stocked with an outrageously embarrassing loot, thanks to my girlfriends and their idea of a “classy” bridal shower.
So I’m at my mom’s house, resting after 48 hours of grueling, extremely emotional work, comforted by the knowledge that my father was taking care of business when the phone rang.
It was my dad. He had a box of things he was unsure of whether or not I wanted thrown away, and could I drive over real quick and check it out?
Yeah. You know where this is going.
I speed over, get out of the car, peer into the box…and die.
My dad begins to chuckle, removes his glasses to wipe the tears out of his eyes as the snickers turn into snorts, the snorts into gales of laughter.
“I wasn’t sure if any of this had sentimental value,” he roared.
My dad’s an asshole, we can all agree.
But see? If I had thought to designate someone to remind me of the need to dispose of The Drawer before turning dear old dad loose on the house, I would not have been in the uncomfortable position of having to restrain myself from slapping my father upside the head with a plastic purple penis.
Consider yourself duly warned and prepare accordingly.