*This was originally posted on my anniversary earlier this year. I edited it a bit to share again with Lovelinks. Click here for a chance to win a slot in The Bloggess sidebar for a month sponsored by freefringes.com. I’m also linking it with Theresa’s Wednesday Words of Wisdom at A Mountain Momma.
I knew someone once who used to talk about how seriously she took her “marriage vowels.”
Now, I was pretty serious about my vows, but I never really contemplated my vowels.
After much thought, I figured it was important to take the AEIOU-and-sometimes-Ys pretty seriously.
Acceptance: What starts out as flutters in your chest at the mere sight of your loved one in the beginning will eventually turn into eye-rolls of annoyance later on. You don’t share a bed, a bathroom, or children with someone and not want to smack them occasionally. But if you accept one another for the beautifully flawed creatures you are, and understand that you’re no prize catch either, it’s easier to forgive when your spouse forgets to pay a bill on time, take the trash out, or farts on your leg in bed.
Empathy: Recognizing and sharing your spouse’s feelings leads to compassion. Much of the time, we get caught up in what we want, what we need, and forget to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. Sometimes I actually have to sit down and concentrate very hard to see things from my husband’s perspective. I tell him it’s difficult because I have a hard time shoving my head that far up my ass, but he knows I’m kidding and that I’m really making an effort to understand what’s he’s dealing with.
Intimacy: Yeah, I’m talking about sex in this case. I’m gonna go ahead and say that it’s important to make the beast with two backs as much as humanly possible. I don’t think that people were meant to get freaky only for the sake of bearing children. If you’re not burning a hole through the bed on a regular basis, you’re missing out. Any time my husband and I are not getting along, I can always correlate our spats with a dry spell. And although many would say correlation does not imply causation, I’d say in this case, the more often you’re sharing your body with your spouse, be it in tip-top physical condition or flabby, fuzzy and dimpled, the happier you guys are going to be. (It’s really hard to stay mad at someone if you’ve recently seen their “O” face.)
Originality: You and your spouse are an original creation. There is no one else like the two of you. So don’t get caught up in the trap of “keeping up with the Joneses.” It’s easy to go from being a free-thinking person to being a lemming. You don’t need a Lexus, a McMansion and a yearly trip to Necker Island to be happy. Having the latest and greatest when it comes to stuff is definitely fun for awhile, but it’s not going to make you happy, especially when you realize you only bought it because you saw someone else had it. You’ll eventually see yourselves working so hard to fit into the mold of what an American couple should be that you could miss out on what the two of you really want out of life.
Union: You’ve been (hopefully) voluntarily joined. No one frog-marched you down that aisle into the arms of your spouse. You held some sort of ceremony to mark your intentions of becoming a single unit. Remember that when you’re upset with your partner and you want to vent to others. You wouldn’t betray yourself, so be careful not to betray your other half. Nothing is more pathetic than a grown up who still runs to their parents every time their spouse pisses them off. People are going to talk, so even though you think you’re speaking in confidence, you’re not, and what you thought was a private look into the innermost workings of your union is going to be public. I personally know way too much about others’ marriages, and you can’t “unknow” something. It’s really difficult to sit across the table from someone and not think, “That dude needs Viagra,” or “He’s a big fat liar.” Guard your marriage. Be careful what you share with others.
And sometimes, Yield: Even if you don’t want to. Even if you think you’re completely, totally justified and holding all the cards – give in. Because as a wise man once said: “Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be married?”
If you’re so inclined, you can vote for this post here until Friday. Thanks! (Update: We made it into the top 10% again. Thanks!)
Very clever! But wow I had a hard time not laughing at this. At the story…not the advice. Because the advice is genius.
Congrats to you two! It was so nice of him to think of you when he needs someone to share his morning breath with. Good luck with that
“Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday.”
I loved reading this! Every word. Very funny, but also jam packed with excellent advice. This is totally what I needed to read today. THANK YOU!
Hey, that means a lot! Thank you!
Amen Sister! I couldn’t have said it better myself!
Thank you!
Nice post! Something like this should have been featured in our “marriage retreat” that we had to go to 25 years before the divorce. Oh well. We’re still friendly with each other and have 5 nice kids. Sometimes you just have to settle for that.
Hey, that sounds like a pretty good run. Good you guys get along!
This was very well said. Remind me to bookmark it for the next time I have an annoying spat with my husband about who does more around the house.
visiting from lovelinks
Bookmark this for the next time you have an annoying spat with your husband.
Thanks for coming by!
I’m emailing this to Q. I think I’m the one more at fault during our little spats. Maybe this will cut me some slack.
Ha! Good luck.
Nice marriage vowels!
We’ve just restarted dating. The fact that we stopped isn’t entirely our fault (I swear, finding and keeping a good babysitter around here is harder than getting my 2YO to use the potty) but time was sliding by alarmingly fast and suddenly we were never hanging out together unless we were in parenting mode. It’s frightening how easy it is for that to happen.
So great refresher on the importance of those vowels
Thanks! They are hard to remember sometimes. I hope by putting them into a memorable group, like vowels, that I’ll be reminded.
Excellent! I love the advice and the spin you gave it. Can I link back to this in MY blog? PLEASE?
Come over and visit and see if you want to go slumming.
Trish in AZ
Well sure, Trish! Now what is all this talk about slumming?
Very funny. Glad you linked it.
See, I married my guy in Canada so, to come up with vowels and consonants were difficult for me. So, I read the already made ones LOL Easy BoBreezie. LOL
My vows were the standard “Love Honor Til Death.” The vowels I figured out later.
Marriage “vowels” – I love it. I don’t much like the “yield” part but I know what you’re talking about.
PS: That Princess Bride mawwiage video in the comments – hilarious.
Love Princess Bride. Always a happy movie! I hate yielding, but my husband knows how to get me to, so we’re good.
What a great post! Thought provoking, while at the same time, reminding us that we all need to keep a sense of humor about our “mawwages.”
Thanks for linking up– I’ll be sure to stalk you … err.. drop by casually again in the future!
Stalk away! I love stalkers. Well, ok…let’s clarify that….
This is fabulous! I need to print this sucker out and refer to it DAILY!
I should put it on a fridge magnet.
What a wonderful read. I really enjoyed reading this and agree with all that you’ve written here. Need a marriage counselor, call Mamamash.
Oh heavens no. Cause then it’s my fault if things go bad.
I’ve been married 25 years and your vowels should be required learning.
‘ You wouldn’t betray yourself, so be careful not to betray your other half.’ This is the most true and important part of all. When my daughter calls to complain about her husband I tell her I don’t want to hear it. She should be talking to him not trying to gang up on him.
You are an awesome mom. I bet you’re an awesome MIL, as well.
This? Is perfect. I love all your advice. You know, I do complain a little about my husband, but it’s nothing I don’t share with him. I don’t let people in on all our issues because it’s between us and it’s for US to work out!
Thanks, Amanda! I feel the same way.
I want to be married. Even though I AM right.
HA. Sometimes I get him to admit later that I was right.
I get what you mean about the dry spells. Keeping your marriage intimate is so important and helps you connect as a couple. I love this post, Julie!
Thanks for linking up with WWW!
xo
Gotta remember the brown chicken brown cow as much as possible!
Wow. I missed this the first time around, but this is terrific advice for all of us. We’re a united front and we chose this person to spend our life with. Why we don’t do a better job of cherishing it is a mystery. Thanks for the reminder today.
I wrote it back before I began visiting blogs.
Love ya, Rach!
This was so good! You’ve got some really great words of advice here. I was switching from nodding in agreement to laughing to throwing up a little (“beast with two backs”). I totally agree that you should guard your marriage. Great stuff!
Thanks, Kelley!
I love the spin you put on this but it is so packed with great information! I can’t stand when people go on and on about their spouse. There are just some things that need to be kept private. Like you said, you can’t ‘unknow’ something.
I think it’s ok to share some stuff with your girlfriends, but yeah, try to not humiliate your spouse!
Excellent advice Julie. Guarding your marriage – absolutely. That is the most sacred one to mine.
Thank you, Alison.
I yield on occasion. It seems to be better than continuing to fight. And the whole Keeping up with the Joneses thing, way overrated. I’ve had many friends that I have stopped talking to because all they wanted to do was compare what they had with what we had. Why? Just be happy in your marriage with your spouse, don’t kill yourself for “stuff”.
Yielding is the most difficult for me, especially if I really feel that I am right!
Lovely post! I really enjoyed your marriage vowels. I laughed so hard when you said you couldn’t reach your husband’s perspective because you couldn’t get your head that far up your ass. Oh there are times when I’ll want to use that! Very amusing.
Hi Carina! Thanks!
This is really funny, but really true. I forget these things sometimes while my leg is being farted upon.
It’s easy to forget any trace of civility when someone is blowing ass on your leg.
This is my favorite post by you so far, Julie! It’s too awesome for me to ruin by trying to explain in this comment why it’s so awesome. It just is…enough said.
Hah, thanks Jacqui. I learned from mistakes, that’s for sure.
Only you can include “O” face in a post AND have people laughing their arses off!
Oh no. There are plenty of people who can talk about O faces and make me laugh.
This is great. I can feel how heartfelt and genuine the writing is, and how you come from a place of experience on this. I feel too many people forget these things in marriage and simply give up. Excellent post.
Thank you, Kerry. Definitely a place of experience.
I’d take marriage advice from you any day. This might be one of my favorite Mama Mashers of all time. I love how devoted you are to Paul and I love that you can and WILL take cheap shots at him for the sake of making me laugh.
He’s a good-natured fella and doesn’t mind. In fact, he likes the attention. “Did you write about me today? Did you?”
Favorite post this week! And well timed because my husband is totally pissing me off, but I won’t bother posting it all over the internet, ha! Can I vote more than once?
Ha! Uh oh, did he survive the weekend?
This was awesome on so many levels, I can’t even count them. But I will say, however, that my husband and I never see each others’ “O” face because I keep the bedroom too dark….TMI? Fabulous post!
HAHA! I love TMI in comments. I need to start a TMI section.
You even have a sometimes Y! That is great. Love the Princess Bride comment above too!
Thanks, Kristy. Yeah, can’t forget about the Y!
Lol at marriage vowels too funny. I think you nailed it on the intimacy part. More frequent sex can solve a lot of problems. Us guys are simple beings.
Marriage vowels. I like it. I need to go and think about my marriage vowels:)