If you don’t have kids, getting some action really only requires the presence of a willing partner. (Or maybe not, right?)
Even with one kiddo, it’s still possible to knock boots on a fairly frequent, spontaneous basis.
But throw another child into the mix – heck, here, two even – and the planets have to align perfectly for there to be any mattress dancing. Add to that a mother in law who stayed for a week, and you can understand why my husband began humping my leg anytime we brushed too close in the hallway.
So this week, we had to schedule sex for the first time ever.
Baby in bed at eight. Big kids passed out by 9:30. In the immortal words of Marvin Gaye, let’s Get. It. On.
Only, see, we’ve got to turn the baby monitor on since we’re shutting the door. We normally don’t do this, but there’s a sleepwalking ten year old and an eight year old with a mouse bladder staying here and it’s so not my job to explain the birds, the bees and the beast with two backs to these guys.
So yeah, door shut, monitor on.
And since my son has slept with music on since birth, the campy strains of the Glee soundtrack begin to waft through the air. There are many songs from this collection that would be appropriate for a situation like this. Some Color Me Badd, perhaps. Lionel Richie. Bell Biv DeVoe even.
But no. Do you know what starts playing?
Olivia Newton Freaking John. Physical.
And suddenly all I can think about is sweatbands and leotards and leg lifts, which are so not sexy, at least not to me.
Hubby doesn’t care, he’s like, I can tune it out (I WANNA GET PHYSICAL, PHYSICAL) and I’m like (LET’S GET PHYSICAL, PHYSICAL) what? I can’t hear you over the awfulness.
So we wait for the song to be over, which isn’t happening, because she’s only completed 492 of the 981 times she screeches PHYSICAL, PHYSICAL throughout this hot mess. Then we agree since we can’t turn off the monitor, and if we turn off the music Monkey will probably wake up and then we’re totally screwed( or not screwed, as it were) we’ll just turn on the tv and drown out the terribleness.
Oh and look what’s on! Jersey Shore.
Great, ’cause nothing is sexier than Dorito-tanned, fist-pumping STDs screaming “T-SHIRT TIME” at you.
And I’m sitting here in the middle of the worst mash-up ever to hit the airwaves (Physical! T-shirt time! Physical! Come at me bro!) thinking that I’ve just discovered a way to prevent teen pregnancy.
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Funniest. Post. Ever.
I am blushing though.
Aw, Megan. No blushing! That was totally rated PG. I’ve done worse.
Hilarious! And now I’ll not only be humming “Physical” for the next week, but I’ll probably think of this post next time I actually do get physical…you’ve done your job well!
Haha, that’s terrible of me!
You have just described practically every sexy love session my Husband and I have had since the kids were born. Our one saving grace was that my oldest couldn’t use a door knob until she was 2 1/2. I was hoping that by the time they were 10 or so things would get better, but maybe not!
Well that’s just perfect! Maybe we’ll put the doorknob up a little higher?
You need to compile these stories into a book. You’re the new Erma Bombeck! Hilarious!!
Wow, that’s possibly the most awesome compliment I’ve ever gotten! Thanks!
You had me at “knockin’ boots.” One time we heard the little one cough through the monitor. “He’ll be OK…” and then projectile vomit. Talk about a mood killer.
Oh ewww. That would kill it for sure.
OMG – that is hilarious! Having made similar attempts at romance while tuning out baby monitor sounds, I can totally relate!
Baby monitors are just creepy to begin with! Sometimes ours plays weird foreign music as well.
You should write romance novels…or something. I don’t read romance novels, but I would imagine that if I did, they would make me feel the same way I’m feeling right now. Probably.
Dirty and in need of eye bleach?
You had me laughing hysterically at this. Oh the joys of children. Amazing anyone has more than one–just for the sheer fact that you don’t have TIME to make another one!
You are so right. How do the Duggar’s do it? Wait. Do not answer that. Do NOT want to know.
I really just peed my pregnant pants a little. Thanks for the overshare…everyone may deny it but we ALL can relate
Sorry about your pants!
Hysterical!!! I love the mash up! I’m dying. At least you schedule. We fit in… With three kids if they’re watching a movie downstairs it’s lock the door, rip off your clothes, hurry it up mister, GO TIME!!!
Ahhh, remember when sex wasn’t rushed? and fun? and adventurous? I guess that’s all how we got knocked up in the first place!
Thanks for swinging by to see my Bon Jovi Belly. I can’t wait to read more of your blog! I love it already.
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What’s For Dinner
http://www.mawhats4dinner.com
Oh my gosh, I’m hysterical over here! It is so so true. Gah, to have the pre-kids sex life back!
Sometimes I’d just prefer to have the pre-kids naps back. Shh. Don’t tell my husband.
I couldn’t do it to that music either. Only worse would be the Jersey Shore you turned on. It’s hard to do it with leg warmers on the brain!
Oh. My. You have truly outdone yourself here. I was giggling uncontrollably. And blushing. Hee!
What’s with all the blushing on this one? It wasn’t even the teensiest bit graphic!
Okay, so NOW I understand the ONJ reference last night!!!! You’ve created a permanent imprint in my mind. I will never be able to hear that song without thinking of your attempt at knocking boots. This would be irritating if it were any other couple.
Just imagine me in a leotard and sweatband.
OK, this one is going to be on your greatest hits! Thanks for the laugh, babe!!! I am in the same boat (but not with Olivia). My little one sleeps in the bed which seriously limits personal time. And he’s a light sleeper. We begin to lose track when the last time was – maybe because when we finally decided to put a lot of effort into hooking up – we needed to settle on a room. Then lock up the dogs so they wouldn’t interfere. Then find a clean blanket since the floors aren’t what they used to be now we have kids. And still listen out for the kids. So much effort…I see an overnight babysitter in my future!
Thank you, Jennifer!
Dogs, cats, kids and mothers in law are mood killers and logistical nightmares when it comes to “personal time.”
Hope you get that babysitter!
Great. Now this freaking song is stuck in my head. PHYSICAL, PHYSICAL.
You’d look hot in a headband.
rofl! Actually, I think that is the REASON for teen pregnancy!
And, yeah, now I’m going to be humming that song. Which means my husband is going to hear me hum it and think “Heyyy!” and that just ain’t happening right now. Thanks a lot! lol
Oops, sorry about that.
I will never again be able to hear “Physical” and not think of this post. And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Good for me, bad for you!
Stephen calls little bear a c**k blocker. It pretty much sums it up.
At this rate, Monkey and Little Bear will never get siblings.
So I was contemplating driving 9 hours to bitch slap my mil. Then I read your post and I’m LOL’g too hard to carry out my plan.
Loved it!!
Thanks! And now, your MIL owes me big time!
Funniest post ever! OMG, I couldn’t stop laughing. Isn’t it funny how difficult it because to do the mambo when you have kids? LOL
Arggh. Thanks for the ear worm! Thanks so much! lol
“I wanna get PHYSICAL..PHYSICAL!”
Kill me now.
(following.)
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Whats the sexy secret? I want no part of that deed since my daughter was born.
I was the opposite. I was worse than a teenage boy!
Yeah…with four now? It’s virtually impossible. Although, they’re worn out now since school has started and go to sleep earlier. Except…I am/do too. Overshare? Whoops!
I cannot imagine with four. And that’s totally not an overshare, silly.
Loved this, as always – love all your posts. This may sound pornographic but “Great, ’cause nothing is sexier than Dorito-tanned, fist-pumping STDs screaming “T-SHIRT TIME” at you.” needs to be printed on a T-shirt and sold on this blog, because I would buy one. I would.
PS: I am really pissed off that you are in the Bloggess sidebar contest because this means I am going to have to vote for you – begrudgingly – because I like your stuff. Hmph.
Aw great, now the song is stuck in my head and I’ll never hear it the same again. Thanks a lot!
Hahaha! The imagery of your husband humping your leg is just hilarious!
Thanks for sharing such intimate moments with us!
This cracked me up!!! Now when I hear this song I will think of you bwahahah!
Hysterical : ) You might be on to something. I wonder if my daughters would question it if I suddenly gave them an Olivia Newton John tape and tried to convince them that Snooky is a great role model…..
Oh no. It is hard as it is now, I can’t imagine when we have a full house. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *me running out of the house screaming*.
Dorito-tanned – the most accurate portrayal of that spray-skin color!
Too freaking funny! Even with one kid, it is impossible to find a “safe” time!
Holy shit! How did I miss this before? It must have been before I subscribed. SO. FRICKIN’. FUNNY!!! I hope you win that sidebar gig. I’mma vote for you right now, sister!