The Legend of Captain B

Have a seat, children, and I’ll tell you the legend of Captain B, a larger-than-life fellow who never came across an animal without wondering what it would taste like.

Captain B is a tugboat captain by trade, a survivalist by nature, a father, a husband, and a somewhat law-abiding citizen. He’s a gifted story-teller, a reluctant dog wrangler, and he grills a mean pork chop.

One old man who knew him as a youngster tells of a time when, while driving down a country road, Captain B brought his truck to a screeching halt, bailed out the door, went running into the woods and came back holding a small opossum by the tail. He tossed it into the toolbox in the back and continued on his way. 

No one is really sure what happened to the critter, but many would bet money it ended up underneath some kind of sauce, served next to a heaping piles of steak fries.

There’s a police officer somewhere down south who walks with a limp on colder days, having had the misfortune of telling Captain B “no.”

In 2008, after a hurricane flooded his town, Captain B kayaked across a bayou in an effort to get to his home and assess the damage. Police spotted him walking down the road in the empty town, machete strapped to his chest, shotgun slung across his back, pistol holstered on his hip. 

Guns drawn, they stopped this Redneck Rambo before he could get to his home, loaded him in a cruiser, drove him over a bridge out of town, and told him not to come back, that it was too dangerous.

Captain B tried again, and again the police returned him to the safety of high, dry ground. They warned him that if he came back, he’d get arrested. Begrudgingly admitting defeat for the day, Captain B got in his truck and drove away, but not before “accidentally” running over an officer’s foot.

A few weeks later while the town began to clean up its mess, circumstances came about that led the police to Captain B’s door. After they had discerned the Captain’s honorable intentions concerning the surrounding events, B realized the polite officer that had pinned him up against the wall while disarming him looked awfully familiar.

“How’s your foot?” he asked.

“Got some toes that are a little shorter now,” the man replied.

Captain B carries a survival pack wherever he goes, and although some may poke fun of him for it, those people would be the first to come clamoring at his door in the event of war, zombie apocalypse, or the secession of Texas.

The Captain will tell you, “A country boy can survive.”

As if working long hours on a tugboat and wrangling a mess of kids and dogs isn’t enough, Captain B recently took on a new hobby – airboat tour guide.

Those who are lucky enough to end up on his tours are regaled with tales of a local cannibalistic indian tribe, educated about the diverse ecosystem and the history of a once-booming shipping hub, and thrilled with his lightning-quick maneuvers on the water craft as they are propelled through the waterways just off I-10 in Orange, Texas.

Passengers of the airboat strain to catch a glimpse of Red-Winged Blackbirds  and other colorful bird species as they glide effortlessly over bull tongue and lily pads, involuntarily ducking as Captain B steers the boat smoothly over objects that one would think would cause a jarring bump.

On this particular day, high winds have forced water from the Gulf of Mexico further inland, raising the water levels so that most of the wildlife has retreated elsewhere. Captain B isn’t fond of letting visitors to his beloved waters leave without a satisfying show, so he breaks the company rules a bit and heads for somewhat forbidden areas.

His boss catches him.

The Captain doesn’t appear the least bit flustered and continues his tour. He’ll deal with the repercussions later. Right now, he’s loving the enthralled looks upon his passengers’ faces as they study brilliantly-hued waterfowl that has landed nearby.

All too soon, the tour is over, and the passengers climb ashore. I wonder if they’ve been affected at all by what they’ve seen, and if they understand even a modicum of the Captain’s love for this area.

I glance at my husband who is suddenly and visibly reluctant to be headed north again soon. I see he shares B’s love for the culture that exists here.

I realize again what a treasure my family is, and although I look forward to telling my son the legend of his cousin, I hope instead that he gets to experience it for himself.